It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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