If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
