I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
