this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
