I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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