I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Randomize
