you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I did not marry a roomba.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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