if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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