Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
