idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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