I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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