I wish life had little blips of pornography
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
