So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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