So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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