I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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