i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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