Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
