I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
