My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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