Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
