I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
