the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
