im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dicks are not precious.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
