If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
