What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
