I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
