I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Randomize
