FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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