Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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