I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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