I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
