Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
