Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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