someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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