I feel great
I just peed on a car
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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