Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
