I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
