i think i have two assholes
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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