I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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