We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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