people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
