ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
