Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
