a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
