so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
