he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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