I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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