you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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