There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
