I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
