i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Semen is not good for contacts.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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